1. I’ve been struggling with body image. Feeling comfortable in my own skin. And in my clothes.

    And it’s a damn shame because there is nothing wrong with my body.

    I am old enough and certainly smart enough to know better than to fall prey to the airbrushed images lining magazines and catalogs. Knowing full well that many of the women with perfect figures I follow on Instagram earn their living as professional athletes and don’t sit behind a desk for eight plus hours a day thumbing through contracts.

    Last summer, I went through some really ugly unmentionables and the only way I knew how to break through instead of break down was to lay down some miles. A lot of miles. Some around my neighborhood after work. On my mountain bike deep in the mountains. I ran myself ragged crisscrossing the county negotiating deals and keeping late hours in hotel rooms writing analytical papers about things like Amaranth deflating or energy elasticities. All in hopes that I could keep my poignant thoughts from consuming me. (I was wrong by the way)

    And this other thing happened too.

    I lost my appetite. I basically had to force myself to eat. So when I did, I chose the most nutritionally packed items I could get my hands on knowing I could get away with forcing myself to swallow less.

    And as a result, I lost weight. Quite a bit of it.

    And wow did it feel good.

    But as time passed, and little bits of my life and happiness came back to me, so did my weight.

    For the first time in my life, I feel heavy.

    It’s not rational. It’s not realistic. And it’s not something I feel good giving voice to. Especially here on my little corner of the internet where I want my words to be pretty and document all the amazing adventures in my life. But here I am. A successful, independent young woman with body image issues just trying to be real.

    I think there is a misconception that body issues only affect certain women, but the truth of the matter is that Body image it is a constant battle whether you are a 2 or a 12.

    I know in my heart of hearts that I have a lot great physical qualities to be thankful about, but the thing is I am sick of looking at myself in the mirror and nurturing that negative little voice that tells me I need to get on the treadmill. And I am tired of beating myself up for eating that cookie.

    Today I am embracing the fact that I am a work in progress. I am working to change my mindset by encouraging myself to think about how beautiful other women’s bodies are. I am beating down the negative thoughts that enter my mind when I compare myself to them.

    I am acknowledging how much more important it is to be strong than anything else, that starving yourself isn’t attainable or healthy. I am working towards resuming a clean diet and getting back into a running routine so I can hone that strength, both mentally and physically.  

    .

    (Ugly Friday morning words which will be edited and revised numerous times I am sure.)

     
  2. hi august, I am so glad you’re here.

    I’ve wanted so badly for fall to come this year.

    I am a summer loving, bronzed skin, water loving kind-of- girl through and through.

    you know, the one that prays for summer each winter.

    and yet, here I am embracing the idea of letting this summer melt into august. and september. and october.

    a time and a place where things slow down.  where I can catch my breath. and perhaps idealistically give genuine effort to being present and to taking care of myself. and not because I am feeling the pressure about maintaining a bikini perfect figure on the off chance that I get forced into wearing one. or because I have been caught up convincing myself to participate in every.single.event or happy hour or party for fear of missing out on a single ounce of summer. and to be honest, not enjoying it fully because it’s all just too much.

    I am looking forward to the leaves turning, and the mountain air smelling of earthiness and homes like cinnamon.

    where sunday’s are unspokenly reserved for football and cooking.

    sweltering temps give way to sweater weather and ultimately cozy scarves, lux knits, and leather boots.

    and the hustle and blustle of summer tourism wanes and we are left with the stillness and quiet of offseason and restoration.

    wednesday thoughts.

    image  via texturism +  balancing

     
  3. take me back to that warm august day.

    to first-chair-last-calling.

    early morning workouts.

    to those pitchers of summer margaritas. the giant glasses of red.

    the layers of turquoise and those cowboy boots.

    apollo astronauts.

    cutting willows on the river.

    patron shots with momma b.

    that late night campfire.

     

  4. "In French, you don’t say “I miss you.” You say “tu me manques,” which is closer to “you are missing from me.” I love that. “You are missing from me.” You are a part of me, you are essential to my being. You are like a limb, or an organ, or blood. I cannot function without you."
    — Unknown (via theantiquated)

    (Source: thesoutherly, via aconnoisseurofroads)

     
  5. Sometimes you will never know the value of something, until it becomes a memory. - Dr. Seuss

     
  6. let’s talk about how dope these gold + gray necklaces are…

     

     

  7. Summer Weekending: Mountain Style Edition

    Amongst the many things I enjoy about living in Denver, I think I appreciate the proximity to the mountains the most.

    image

    Anyone who knows me in real life will tell you that during the week you will find me lost in my paper littered office, two or three cups deep into morning coffee black, (I’m taking another stab at paleo. damn you robb wolf and all of your hipster nutritional theories) thinking about acquisition strategy, how that operating agreement I pushed to the side needs to be reviewed and potentially negotiated at some point, what items should be put on the docket at the next regulatory hearing, and intermittently wondering if I could get away with rocking that navy and black leather Theory blazer to my next technical review with upper management because its super fierce.

    But the thing is, as much as I want to pretend that playing career girl Monday through Friday (okay, and on the occasional weekend too) can be somewhat rewarding, the truth of the matter is that I don’t really feel all that whole from making deals for the big company I work at.

    But I do when we’re drifting along the fingers of the lake, sans cellphone service with copious amounts of sunshine.

    image

    And I do when I am rain soaked and sweat-ladden looking out over the valley I have been so fortunate to call home for the last twenty-eight plus years…

    image

    More often than not I crash on my mountain bike.

    I get dirty.

    And banged up.

    But I usually learn something. And get up stronger.

    I think about things from a different perspective, because getting outside of the grind (both physically and mentally) not only allows my “work” and “play” lives to cohabitate, but it serves as a much needed and constant re-evaluation button. There’s just something about being out there that works as a catalyst for me to be a better person. To be more thankful. To count my (many) blessings. To push myself. Physically and mentally. To be kinder, to really live, disconnect from the treadmill. To shut off my phone, and my work emails.

    These little betrayals of my weekend life peek through into the office by way of massive leg bruises or scrapes across my knees. But they function as helpful reminders of what is most important and who I want to be.

    what I wore - headband: pistil | necklace: Isabel iny

     
  8. today, I am so thankful for the outdoor community in crested butte. it’s so incredibly uplifting to hear complete strangers be so encouraging and cheer you on when you tackle a tough feature. especially not knowing that I was having an off day and was struggling so much.

    I’ll admit after my my bad wreck two weeks ago my confidence has been pretty low. while my sureness on a bike will continue to need a little tlc, my faith in this sport and the people involved is pretty darn high.

     

  9. psa of the day: did y’all know lululemon had a blog?

    image

    and that it’s awesome?

    - if you’re in the market for some great summer reading this weekend…  

    - or a recipe for paleo cinnamon rolls. (hello sunday morning!)

    - looking for some new lingo to work into your runners vocabulary?

    - where I discovered (and embraced) the idea of the ”joy of missing out”.

    - this.

    - amazing sunscreens that trump heat and sweat.

    31 runs. probably the coolest thing you’ll read (and then think about)  all day…

    - detox and you don’t stop.

    - things that are right up my alley.

    - priorities.

     
  10. cactus no. 75 from kwang-ho lee. from strange plants, a new book that explores the relationship between artists and plants. | via texturism and tmagazine 

     
  11. I tend to approach look backs more from a “fiscal year” standpoint that a calendar year if you will. I’ve never really bought into the whole idea of New Year’s resolutions, and I’m not sure I’ve ever felt different in January than I did in December.

    But spring.

    Spring, gives birth to a new perspective. A shedding of winter weight, both in the context of those few extra hibernation pounds, (because let’s face it, when its 10 degrees and dark outside at 5:00, the last thing I want to do is hoof it down the street to the gym), and by way of offering up the opportunity to let-go and move on.

    One of the concepts I have been kneading into my heart lately is Aparigraha. The art of letting things (both possessions and mind clutter) go that I hold onto a little too tightly.

    The thing is, I miss who I started to become last summer. I accomplished and experienced so many big things. Buying my first home all by myself. Learning to mountain bike. Letting of things that weren’t meant for me. Finishing the Tough Mudder. Finding out what really makes my mind and body strong. Walking my Momma down the aisle. Saying goodbye to one of the dearest things in my life, my horse Kona. Discovering what it’s like to find someone truly worthy of your love and life. Rescuing a sweet little girl (Dori Doodle!). Checking big items like cat-skiing in the Kootenay’s off my bucket list. Running my first half. Completing my Master of Science degree.

    And while I am proud everything I have undertaken and overcome, I can’t help but feel like the last couple months of working full time and finishing up graduate degree has completely drained me. At times it took everything I had just to turn in that analytical paper about Amaranth deflating, while simultaneously meeting that work deadline, let alone cooking something that didn’t come in a frozen package, or laying down a couple miles on the pavement.

    I’ve lost touch with those things that really center me. Writing here included.

     I am so grateful that I’m finished with school. That it’s spring, er, summer. That I can start fresh. That I can work on getting Jessica back. That I now have time to share it here again.

     
  12. Recently, New York City-based photographer Daniel Zvereff acquired some of the last remaining stock of Kodak Aerochrome film. 

    Daniel brought the ultra-rare film to the icy arctic, transforming the sea of white into hues of magenta, purple, and blue. 

    The Arctic Captured With Rare Kodak Aerochrome

    (Source: photojojo, via krysosandchandi)

     
  13. mountain bound.

     

  14. "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
    — Ralph Waldo Emerson
     

  15. "Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons."
    — Donald Miller